ayahuasca

my ritual was in pipa, brazil, with a shaman and her companion. we went to a house in the suburbs and the owner took us to a secret passage behind his house. we walked for about 10 minutes through the forest at night, until we were brought to an open space. they prepared the ceremony with fire, a photo of some wise looking shaman, and an assortment of different spiritual symbols for the ceremony. 

before we began, the shaman asked what was my intention. we talked about the trauma i had losing my dad and the ways in which the experience may have caused me to seek external validation in others.  i was already crying before any substance was in my body.  i felt ready.

it started with snuff, which is this tobacco type of dust, called rapé, that got blown deep up my nose, causing me to tear, salivate, and sweat, followed my a profound sense of calm. then i was given one glass of ayahuasca, as they began singing, chanting, howling and played instruments i’ve never heard before.  after some time i felt relaxed, and then they offered me my second glass. 

my body weighed heavy, i couldn’t sit up anymore so i fell down and when i closed my eyes, i saw beautiful colors that were vibrating with the music.   i felt the divine presence of shiva as she was being chanted.  and just as i was beginning to find a sense of balance, the shaman called for me and calmly said  “brother, it's time to take your medicine” as she once again pulled the nose blowing pipe in front of my face. i was incapable of speaking, but i sat up and remember staring into her screaming with my eyes to do literally anything fucking else, but i was completely under her spell and accepted.

my body resisted the first snort into my nose.  she came close and gently whispered into my ear “let go - stop resisting” and then accepted huffs in both my nostrils, proceeding to immediately violently vomit from deep inside of me. i was literally crawling on the dirt, and threw my head into the sand thinking how i wanted all of this to stop, craving hugs and tender kisses. some moments later i was guided back with the soft music of a guitar, gently bringing me back to a place of comfort. the words “sacred water divine spirit” rang in my head.

while it was a private ceremony, throughout the night the shaman and her companion also took the same medicine.   each of them took turns vomiting and caring for one another. The human body is gross, but as I watched them help clean eachother out from all their inner traumas and pains, i felt so much love between them, and so grateful for the love that they shared with me. 

after some time, the shaman asked me if i was ready for the final medicine to be injected in my eye, called shanaga, that she said would burn for a moment. obviously i was terrifed, but this time, i felt brave accepting the medicine without hesitation. after 20 seconds of fire in my eyes, i remember opening my eyes and seeing the shaman smiling at me with such deep compassion and love. after the ceremony, we sat around the fire smoking her joint and sharing wisdom. i remember feeling not so different than the shaman, as all of us were on the same path.

it’s been a day now and i feel super calm, as if I the layer of my ego has disappeared for a bit, allowing me to experience the world as a newborn baby.  i have no doubt that parts of my ego will return as i reintegrate myself back to reality, but i hope this experience has planted itself deep enough in my mind, so when anxiety, stress, and insecurity creeps back into my mind, i can see my mind from greater distance, and be reminded how everything i see and feel is an illusion that masks the real inter-connected beauty of life.